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From Memoir – Redemption

It is rather painful to grow old and in my case to grow up. It took a few rather painful experiences to take me where I am. As everyone knows, every beginning must endure an ending. I’ve realized that, to fully accept an ending, one must sincerely know of our whereabouts…Now, personally, to fully cleanse my successful thoughts of joy, hope, and regret, I MUST steer away from what is causing those thoughts…good or bad..therefore..friends…loved ones…members of the jury…executioner…I AM TAKING A BREATHER!!!. Not so much out of cowardliness.. BUT, of the thought of better days. I got to see life from a different perspective. ..again..I must experience other opinions…again.. Yes, I’ll be gone! But there is always the promise of a brand new day..and a chance of redemption..I’ll be here to hear your emotions and to feel your candor of… whatever!! I’ll l get my ears checked and my heart mended, so that we can find our smiles…together. THANKS!!

From Memoir-Love sucks!

April 1, 2013

Love sucks, and you know it.

Yes I am there. Hating love, and the feeling of helplessness it leaves behind when the magic kingdom of stupidity goes away…So called love is a state of mind. It gets to you without you ever knowing it, and leaves the same way.

Yesterday I found my self with my 40 year old heart broken, and it is weird, that just today…yes, just a few hours after I felt so lost in the darkness of my chamber, I don’t fell much!!! What happened? I thought it was going to be devastating for me, but when I came back to stay at my old place, I felt at home!!! I had too much to do. I was only gone to live with you for 2 1/2 weeks, but it felt like an eternity… I realize now, I was not happy there. I was holding on to a life that wasn’t mine. I’m here, where I should be for the moment, I’m feel good! I look back to just last week, I was trying to change…to make you happy. Now, I don’t want to set foot there again. I got kicked out like a fucking rabid dog. It was funny the way I got out of your house…3 am and me running up and down trying to get most of my things out your shut the door at my face..I got mad and try to retaliate, but that was your game and I didn’t fall for it. I took a deep breath and demonstrated I’m way better than you. I’m kind and I have a good heart, and not stupid and naive like you might picture me right now. You played with my heart and tried to play with my head, but you couldn’t, sanity and common sense brought me back to reality. You did me a favor, and you made sure I didn’t come back.. I appreciate it! you locked the doors and bared the windows, to “keep me away”…but that’s exactly what I should’ve done myself to keep you away…instead I took you in…cared for your..but you showed your real colors at the fucked with me, but it is over now.. and I told you quite a few hurtful things to get your attention, all lies of only paid attention to the things I was making up, not the real for my things, you are the one looking at them, reminding you of me, of my essence, of my spirit. You get to be the one hating me for leaving you… you are the one remembering me when you see my belongings. not me.. I got nothing….You’ll get over it soon for sure, because you showed me every time you could, that you don’t have feelings for me, I was in denial, still believing you…. so me leaving me is a relief for you too..and you can finally be with whoever you want..feel whatever you want…do whatever you want…all without me… that case..why the hate? Is it a pride thing? I’m just happy that I was able to set my imprint in your life, sort of a trademark, and that after me, your life will go on as normal, because I want you to be happy, I DO respect you, I want you to go out in the world and find your smile..yes, me..this asshole will pray for you every now and then, so that you may be surrounded by love and kindness..but no matter where you go, no matter who you love, they will be a little tiny a part of me on your behavior and you secretly smile..

I don’t feel I hate love that much…oh wow, I’m getting better by the minute…!